A Transcript Of The New Answering Service Recently Installed At The Mental Health Institute
· Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline.
· If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
· If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press
2 for you.
· If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5&6.
· If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you
want.
· Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
· If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred
to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
· If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
number you press-no-one will answer.
· If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696969
· If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the
hash key until a representative comes on the line.
· If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address,
phone number, date of birth, social National Insurance number
and your mother's maiden name.
· If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and
carefully press 000.
· If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message
after the bleep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait
for the beep.
· If you have short-term memory: loss, press 9. If you
have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
· If you have self-esteem, Please hang up because all our
operators are too busy to talk to you.